Here we are, finally! The new episode of Koffee with Karan has premiered last week and like the arrival of police in Indian films, we are only now going through it. We watched this episode two times. Not because it was sooo good, but because we kinda lost track the first and started checking out the “Jamal Khashoggi’s killing updates” at the same time while watching the show. Seriously, that had our attention more since it interesting and unbelievable. It was a boring episode with Karan pushing for something spicy to happen. We have to say, though, we enjoyed this episode of KWK better:

So, let’s get digging.

Koffee with Karan: Deepika Padukone and Alia Bhatt

Karan starts off arriving on the sets, in front of the camera, in an attire that looked like he had his 3D printer make for him. You know, like those printers that can print to life whatever it is you want? It’s like he looked at his bathroom curtains and had it made as his suit.

Kebab Jo addresses all of us viewers by letting us know we have made his Kebabs with Karan the longest running English TV show in India. Yes, we, the audience, have wasted a lot of time making Karan rich. Speaking of rich, KJo goes on to say how he is thankful that ‘Baahubali’ became such a big hit. Thankful not because his Dharma Productions made money that they can invest in other film projects, but thankful because he was able to afford a new wardrobe to show off on his Instagram in different awkwardposes.

For some reason, we feel at this point on the show Karan just forgot where he was. He was praising Indian films like if he was hosting an award show or something! Well, can you blame him? He has like a gazillion jobs and at his age, it’s OK to be confused. Or maybe he wanted to bring out ‘Baahubali’ to remind you that he got to produce this epic film series.

Now, he is going on and on about dancing at weddings as if he wants to be hired and paid to dance at weddings. Perhaps, another job on his profession checklist? We can see the ad: To dance at your wedding, call Karan Johar and with him, you will get a bunch of star kids perform for free.

He talks about nepotism, but still nothing about #MeToo. He has nepospasm, which is the pain that you get after taking the burden of launching the kids of Bollywood celebrities. He talks about girl power just to show off how another of his home production, ‘Raazi’, was successful.

Finally, he decides to bring on the two ladies: supremely-talented and gorgeous Deepika Padukone and Alia Bhatt. So, is it only Deepu that is supremely-talented and gorgeous or is she supremely-talented and Alia is gorgeous? He was trying to kill two birds with one stone here, but only ended up giving Domino’s Pizza the title of their future large pizza.

Alia Bhatt and Deepika Padukone

OK, so what happened to Alia and Deepika? Alia looks a little older while Deepu is just a little slow. You know how any lovely lady who dates Ranbir Kapoor starts looking like he sucked the life out of her? Like Deepu and Katrina did when they were with him? But Alia is faking it with him, so does that mean the effect is double on her?

Deepu is a little slow in a way that she is all chilled and relaxed. You know when you don’t work for a long time, your brain becomes slower and you don’t function like people, who are on their toes the whole time. This is how Deepu is now and on KWK, she looked like she would rather be at home cleaning and arranging her stuffs than trying to mix Kebab and Aloo Paratha together. You can see it in the way she is listening to him and nodding, her slow reactions are the same ways we act when guests come home and don’t leave after 8 minutes. You can say, it’s the GTFO gestures but for Deepu, it’s Get Me The F Out reactions.

Oh and speaking of Get Me The F Out reactions, do you know the Queen of England (yeah, the same one whose battery is still unbreakable – much to the chagrin of her son!) has a couple of signs and gestures that she uses when out in public? Like, if she gets bored of talking to someone, she has a special signal and her people usher her away; something like that.

So, KJo starts talking about the Deepika Bachao campaign. KJo now showering praises on Deepu for the biggest hit of her career, which kinda sounds fake. Well, how else was he going to show off about ‘Raazi’ again? This time, he brings in the figures in profits. Y’all, it’s 120+crore, in case you were wondering! He asks Alia how she felt and obviously, she was going to say she is happy. What else? We all know he will dump her the minute she starts producing flops for him, like he did with Sid. Like if she cares about women empowerment when she knows her Dharma daddy would have thrown her out if ‘Raazi’ had flopped! Aloo actually said she and her filmi papa sat down and discussed how much this movie will make. At this exact moment, KJo turns to Deepu and tells her something and yeah, you can see that she couldn’t care less what was going on.

He probably should have done this and she would have been more attentive:

Now Karan is saying he doesn’t want to talk about the elephant in the room. He means that he doesn’t want to keep talking about himself or his movies. He says he is done praising the girls, let’s move on.

He wants Alia to ask Deepika about the ceremony. And Deepu, being in her dreamy land, asks, “What ceremony? The success ceremony?” Then KJo starts reciting the marriage mantra, which in his voice sounds something like the noise of cow bells – no offence to cow bells. Karan then tells Alia that they are both not invited and Deepu asks if she is invited?! Seriously? You see now what we said about her being slow and all? Now Karan tells out straight out that he was talking about marriage.

Now note that on the day that this episode of KWK aired in India, a few hours or maybe two hours earlier, Deepika and Ranveer released their marriage announcement. The announcement was followed by millions of congratulatory messages and hundreds of news items about it. Was it Deepu’s way of trying to overshadow the episode or was she trying to make more people tune in?

So Karan is now moving on to the party that he helped Alia organised at Ranbir’s house. We kid you not, Deepu is seriously trying to remember that moment. Like, she ain’t entertaining KJo or getting excited by whatever he is saying; she does not care enough to fake it. KJo goes on to ask one by one, how they felt at the party and about the party. Clearly, this season they lacked proper questions to ask and knowing KJo, most likely he had that party organised just to get something to talk about on KWK with these two. Probably, it was at that party that he asked these two to appear together on the first episode of KWK.

Alia says that Ranbir, Karan and her were sitting together and started calling people to attend the party. She forgot to add that one of them also did call the paps to notify them. If KJo said it was impromptu, then someone most definitely called the paps. KJo said Aamir refused to come at first then Aloo said something about either Ranveer or Ranbir. We thought it was Ranbir because she said he called her “babe” and she called him “TouTou”, which means dog in French. To us, it made sense that Aloo slyly calls the man with a wandering eye, a dog. But as it turned out, she was talking about Ranveer and the Toutou was probably Tutu, which just means that little dress with a skirt that ballerinas wear. And Ranveer calls her Lulu, which is the sound you make when you talk to babies!

Alia continues saying that she and Ranbir are meeting Deepika after a long time. So you can literally see Karan’s ears grow longer as he sheepishly asks Deepu about it, only to realise that Deepu is slow-thinking that moment. Basically, Karan wanted to embarrass Deepu in some way, just like he did when Deepu said on last season that she was friends with Anushka. Wait, was it last season or the season before that? Either way, it happened on KWK. He wanted that moment again. But come on, KJo/Aloo ki Papa: Time to grow up. Ranbir is not the only man on this planet and neither is he that desirable for women to cry after, though he has managed to make women cry. And with her height, Deepu could literally step on Aloo and all awkwardness would end!

Seriously, though. This question should have been asked if Katrina was in that equation, not Alia. Ranbir did cheat on Deepika with Katrina, so there would have been some awkwardness between them if they were to hang out together. And now, KJo puts the spotlight on him again by saying he has been there to see Deepika handle Ranbir with grace. At this moment, Deepu is wincing, like she is trying to swallow her teeth so that she can stop herself from telling KJo:

KJo brings out Deepika’s EQ. We thought it was IQ that he said. But no, it was EQ, as in Emotional intelligence. So clearly, he is saying that whatever happened between Ranbir and Deepika was caused by her being too emotional? Like having too many emotions to control his cheating ways and forgive him for that? Why else would he bring it up? It’s been years, man. Don’t you have new babies to focus on?

He is wondering how Deepika moved on and is this chilled with Ranbir. Well, she went through depression and came out of it. That’s how you act when you have understood why things happened to you the way they did. It’s a sign that you have understood your treatment: acceptance. Alia is looking like she wants to shoot herself in the head, she is literally doing the gesture with her hand!

Karan is like he woke up from a coma. Again, he is asking about how it is to meet Ranbir now. Damn, is he Ranbir’s PR? So many seasons already of KWK and he is so keen to make Ranbir happen. Only he, Neetu, Ayan and Aamir care so much about Ranbir, no one else does. Also, Ranbir and Deepu were together for like two years or so and she has been with Ranveer for many more years. It’s a shame that he is still plugging that Ranbir-thing. Even Ranbir’s hair plugs have changed, it’s time to change that, KJo.

Now he is asking Alia if she felt awkward at that get-together. He phrased it in a way that you would think he was talking about Mahabharat enemies! Again, he is bringing in how they are all working together, like nothing happened. Well, Katrina is going to be pissed that he forgot about her. She was, after all, with Ranbir for like 6 years or so. KJo just erased her and made it look like Alia came after Deepika in Ranbir’s life.

Photo-time

Photo-time now, courtesy of OK Google or whatever that speaker thing is called. This is basically Karan’s ‘Who wants to be a millionaire’ moment. You know, when on the show Amitabh says, “Ok Computerji, Rekha answer ko lock kardho”. Yes, the same. We thought he would show us private pictures that none of us saw, but instead pictures from their public Instagram accounts were put on the screen. Like, for real? Why? Did they think that the KWK audience don’t have access to a smartphone or the internet? It sounded like a show and tell session with nursery kids!

KJo is now reading all of Ranveer’s messages on Deepika’s Instagram pictures. Like if these very same comments have not been publicised every time Ranveer comments something on her pictures! Also, KJo might a stalker! Or he is just like the dad or uncle who is questioning the girl on why this boy commented this or that on your picture? At this point, it looks like it is Karan who is in love with Ranveer. And right after this, Deepika asks him if he is jealous? She wants to put up all the lovey-dovey texts on the screen that Karan sends to Ranveer! Karan suddenly acts like a teenage girl and asks Deepika to stop being so busybody between him and Ranveer by reading their private chats! Deepu says, she doesn’t read it, she is shown. This reminds us of the time Kebab Jo used to send the same types of messages to his fave, Fawad, and he and his wife used to have a laugh at how much Karan drooled over him!

Karan says, he will now censor whatever he writes to Ranveer because sometimes it gets down and dirty. Is this a #MeToo moment happening for Ranveer? Is KJo harassing him?

Now came the moment where KJo had to bring the spotlight again on Aloo and Ranbir. Seriously? It’s like he is just asking Deepika questions to get a chance to ask Alia the same things just to manipulate people into accepting Aloo-Ranboo as a couple! Deepika is just the scapegoat here. Then came the picture that he so wanted to pull up: Alia and Ranbir with their mothers! He sings a song from Salman’s film, the same one where he shot black bucks. Then, he stops abruptly to ask Deepika how she feels about this picture? Damn, KJo! Why not ask directly how she felt when Neetu objected to her presence in Ranbir’s life? Karan tells Alia, “The hand of the mother in a relationship is very critical”. Alia says Yah Yah. Then, Karan bursts out laughing, like a freaking villain about to take advantage of the young girl in front of him! Clearly, he wanted Alia to add more to that but Alia couldn’t bring herself to fake it more than she already has. Hadh to hoothi hai, yaar! There is a limit! And truth to that, Karan puts up a picture of Alia by proudly announcing that she is wearing Ranbir’s jersey. Alia shuts him down so fast that even she got worried she might have offended him and end her Bollywood career in the process!

Why does Alia look like she wants to throw up when KJo brings up how long she has been with Ranbir?

It seems like she has been with Ranbir since RK did that fashion show with Deepu. Maybe after that show, he realised that things are serious between Deepu and Ranveer so he had to find someone else to not look like a loser since everyone saw the way Deepu behaved with him at the show. This explains why everything between Alia and Ranbir happened so fast, without warning. If you remember, there were blind items from MM saying that Katrina asked Alia to spy on Ranbir and report back to her. Then came the rumours and another blind item stated that Alia assured Katrina that there was nothing between her and Ranbir. Suddenly, everything happened. RK’s interview, the public appearances and all that.

On her part, Deepu says she has been with Ranveer for 6 years! KJo ends by blessing them because they have wonderful men in their lives. Matlab, kuch bhi!

Blablabla….

Clearly, they have nothing interesting to talk about because they are telling a story about how they had to pee so hard! Ladies, this is a story only your gynaecologist would love to hear! Also ladies, holding pee can result in Urinary Tract Infection, don’t do it if you shouldn’t.

Deepika mentions she is fond of Alia’s sister, Shaheen. Shaheen also suffers from depression. KJo wanted to plug Shaheen’s book, but didn’t happen because Deepika wanted to finish what she was talking about.

Now KJo wants to take them all on a holiday to Maldives. Clearly, he wants to get a free big holiday and then he will have another episode to talk about what they did there.

The Point Game

To sum it up:

Alia is a flirt, has friends with benefits, has been attracted to an already-taken guy, goes for rebound right after breakup and did the dong-dong on a flight,

Deepika can pull off any look, is a flirt, has been attracted to an already-taken guy, has been dumped, has drunk dialled an ex and did the dong-dong on a flight,

Karan is so pissed off that Deepika is not accepting she is getting married soon on the show. He kept pushing until he got something out of Deepu.

Rapid Fire Time

Highlight

Holy crap! Like if these people already didn’t have everything, Karan is now giving out an Audi car! Like, what the hell!

Surprise question:

Do you know Arjun Kapoor’s girlfriend?

• Why? He wants to help Arjun come out? Did he forget that he linked Alia with Arjun during ‘2 States’?

Alia:

Lots of blablabla

• Alia answers, like a programmed robot.
• Obviously, lots of Ranbir questions and one Sidharth Malhotra question. Now you know Kiara Advani has gotten herself an entry to Dharma Productions since Alia mentioned she would like to see her dating Sid. Kiara was in Karan Johar’s ‘Lust Stories’.
• Alia stalks Varun Dhawan on Instagram and she used to check out Ahaan Pandey. So, is Ahaan getting launched by Dharma or something? Well, it’s a good thing that Alia keeps in touch with kids her age, so…
• Emotional infidelity is a deal breaker for her. So, physical infidelity is fine?
• Apparently to Alia, Shraddha is lying about being committed. When did that happen? Also, what’s her beef with Shraddha?
• Also, Alia. You want to pair Sonakshi with Aditya, what the hell?!
• Alia thinks she looks like a confused little pooch every time she comes out of the airport while Deepika looks like this:

Deepika:

Firstly, Karan. Do you think that if Ranveer was a male-chauvinist, Deepika would have dared to accept that on national television?

Ok, when Deepika answers Ranveer, it kinda sounds like Ranbir. Like the best kisser question? We thought why would she say Ranbir, especially since the camera switched to Alia. But, it was Ranveer!

Lots of blablabla

• She tolerates Ranveer’s fashion sense, like the rest of us!
• Why is she asked about Ranbir? The same question? What about Sid Mallya?
• Deepika says Ranbir is emotionless. She has mentioned this before. But if you have seen the promotions of ‘Jagga Jasoos’, you know he has been quite open about showing how much he annoyed Katrina. It was a mixture of being annoyed, angry and fed up. So, he does show his emotions and maybe he didn’t get to be with Deepika long enough to show it off to her.

Also, Deepika. High time you say “you’re worth it because you are Deepika Padukone”. Why not? You have earned it!

Singing Time

KJo uses this slot to promote Alia’s singing skills. But seriously though, he had each of them sing the song of each other’s boyfriend. This is some school girl sh!t right here! Come to think of it, it’s a good idea for school girls, antakshari about your crush or love!

Another slot of useless things happening: Gaming Zone

Alia, by now, is hyper ventilating. Blood pressure must be high as well.

Thank you for reading:

This whole episode would have been so much fun if it wasn’t connected to Ranbir. Everything just gets back to him. It’s like going in circles. It could have been an interesting conversation, but no..

Alia’s behaviour was a little similar to Deepika when she came on KWK with Sonam. Yes, the same he should endorse a condom brand episode.

We have to mention this since Deepu has laughed like crazy on the show. We had a teacher in school, who once told us that she used to laugh like that when she was younger until the day a lizard from up there somewhere dropped sh!t in her mouth! That was the last time she laughed like that. So every time we see someone laughing like that and every time we see a lizard, we are reminded of that story!

Katrina is coming on the show also, right? It would be interesting to see if Karan will bring up Salman and Ranbir comparisons. And, ask her about Neetu Singh cropping her. If he dares to…

This season, Karan has tried to make Koffee with Karan into:

1. A film-business show

2. The Ellen DeGeneres show

3. The Jimmy Fallon Show

4. The Boring Show!

Karan keeps stressing how it’s girl power, but he forgot how he kept bringing up a man to make these two girls sound relevant. Also, Karan knows Deepu’s fans don’t like him!

By the way: Alia panics quite easily, so you wouldn’t wish to be lost at sea with her. With Deepika, she is at such a calm stage that you can just tag her and will swim you back to shore. No offence to either ladies.

What is the real Alia Bhatt like? She and Parineeti have this girl-vibe going on, like they have not yet matured as women even though they might look like it because deep down, they are still girls.